Thursday, April 30, 2009

shame lame

Have you ever seen one of those characters on tv that's been in therapy for decades at a time? Well, I'm the real deal. I've been sitting in a chair spilling my guts out to a professional since the age of 8. And you know what? I love it. I like having a therapist who I can share my hopes and dreams and frustrations with. It's nice to have a professional put things into a different perspective that I can reflect on in times of need.

I don't feel shame at all for seeking someone out and getting help. I feel good.

Friday, April 24, 2009

just breathe

My first year in college is coming to an end. And I have no idea where the hell i'm at in the progress that is called my life. I just know that this past year, i've been working on building a compass for myself. Instead of depending on Leslie for guidence, I've been using myself to create standards, expectations, and boundaries. I've been using myself as a doctor. I'm feeling in control of my life. I'm feeling like I can do anything. I can lead the life I want without feeling constrained by the expectations of others.

It's working.

Monday, April 13, 2009


I played hookey today. I didn't go to my classes. Why? Well, I just didn't feel like it. In fact, not only did I not feel like it, I absolutely dreaded it. I tried so hard to motivate myself and conjure up any thing that would force me into that seat, but it was all to no avail.

Instead, I slept in. Played around on stumble for, er, a couple hours. Listened endlessly to music. Made a mixed cd for Warren. Ate lots and lots of food. And then brushed my teeth at noon o.0

Today has been productive in the quietest of ways. There's nothing like some r&r to make life feel better.


Sunday, April 12, 2009

'maggy and milly and molly and may'

maggy and milly and molly and may
went down to the beach(to play one day)
and maggie discovered a shell that sang
so sweetly she couldn't remember her troubles,and
milly befriended a stranded star
whose rays five languid fingers were;
and molly was chased by a horrible thing
which raced sideways while blowing bubbles:and
may came home with a smooth round stone
as small as a world and as large as alone.
For whatever we lose(like a you or a me)
its always ourselves we find in the sea

E. E. Cummings

Wash Me?

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

My Hebrew name

I have finally picked out a hebrew name for myself. It's Abira (pronounced ah BEE ra). And it means bravery and strength.

I know, cliche, right. Of all the beautiful images out there like fagale (meaning little song bird), I chose something super standard like strength and bravery.

The thing is, strnegth and bravery are what we need in every part of life. We need it in love, we need it in the classroom, on the blacktop, at the gym. We need strength to get through everything and strength requires bravery.

Anyway, that is neither here nor there. Rabbi Foreman told me to pick a hebrew name for myself and he will perform a naming ceremony for me.

Abira. Strength and Bravery.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Magnolia- by far, one of the greatest movies I've seen in years!

Magnolia influenced me so much with its prickly and dark humor, unashamedly honest and insightful writing, and finally through the brilliant acting it entailed. It put into words what I grapple with and try to hide from. I love it. plain and simple. I am in love with this movie. grateful for it even.

A character after he got braces to attract another man with braces: I know I did a stupid thing. So stupid! Getting braces. I thought... I thought he would love me. Getting... braces! And for what? For something I don't even... I don't know where to put things, you know? I really do have love to give! I just don't know where to put it!

A character on his death bed: I loved her so. And she knew what I did. She knew all the fucking stupid things I'd done. But the love... was stronger than anything you can think of. The goddamn regret. The goddamn regret! Oh, and I'll die. Now I'll die, and I'll tell you what... the biggest regret of my life... I let my love go. What did I do? I'm sixty-five years old. And I'm ashamed. A million years ago... the fucking regret and guilt, these things, don't ever let anyone ever say to you you shouldn't regret anything. Don't do that. Don't! You regret what you fucking want! Use that. Use that. Use that regret for anything, any way you want. You can use it, OK? Oh, God. This is a long way to go with no punch. A little moral story, I say... Love. Love. Love. This fucking life... oh, it's so fucking hard. So long. Life ain't short, it's long. It's long, goddamn it. Goddamn. What did I do? What did I do? What did I do? What did I do? Phil. Phil, help me. What did I do?
Claudia on her first date with Jim:I'll tell you everything, and you tell me everything, and maybe we can get through all the piss and shit and lies that kill other people.

Claudia Wilson Gator: I'm really nervous that you're gonna hate me soon. You're gonna find stuff out about me and you're gonna hate me.
Jim Kurring: No. Like what? What do you mean?
Claudia Wilson Gator: You have so much - so many good things. And you seem so together. You're a police officer and you seem so straight and put together - without any problems.
Jim Kurring: I lost my gun today.
Jim Kurring: I lost my gun today when I left you and I'm the laughingstock of a lot of people. I wanted to tell you. I wanted you to know and it's on my mind. And it makes me look like a fool. And I feel like a fool. And you asked that we should say things - that we should say what we're thinking and not lie about things. Well, I can tell you that, this, that I lost my gun today - and I am not a good cop. And I'm looked down at. And I know that. And I'm scared that once you find that out you may not like me.
Claudia Wilson Gator: Jim. That, that was so...
Jim Kurring: I'm sorry.
Claudia Wilson Gator: - great. What you just said.

"I love you, Brad. Brad the bartender. You want to love me back? I'll be good to you. I'll be goddamn good for you. I won't be mad if you don't know who said what. I won't punish you if you get the answer wrong. I can teach you, and tell you... "

Stanley Spector: Dad? You need to be nicer to me.

My day at the beach

this is what the world is for

oh, you are my electric girl, said, oh girl, you're shocking me with your electric feel.

zozozozozo good. I've been dancing around my room all morning to this song.