Friday, July 31, 2009


Alright... I'm taking on the huge task of cleaning my room today. This should be interesting. Hopefully, I'll come out alive.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Right now, I'm being comforted by only a few things. My family. Playing wii with my Dad. Picking out good books with my Mom. Reading this amazing book called The Pact by Jodi Piccoult. Preparing for vacation. The warm rain pounding outside of my window.The virginia greenery (huge trees and green plnatations) that you can only find in country places like West Point and Toano. These are only a handful of things, but they're enough to keep me comfortable.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

oh my my, oh hell yes, honey, put on that party dress

Today was absolutely amazing. I spent hours at the beach with two great people. We just drank mike's hard lemonade and listened to music all day long, playing in the sand and water. It was the best rest and relaxation a person can come around. We even took turns burying each other in the sand. We were there four probably five hours.

After that, we ventured over to Amelia's house which is out in the beautiful country side of west point. They had acres of land just waiting to be cultivated. We all drank, played cards, smoked and played Tom Petty's Last Dance with Mary Jane on the guitars all night. It was such a simple pleasure. Only to be topped off by an amazing go at Amelia's infamous slip and slide.

It was kinda like this: ... except better.
change is coming.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Six things that induce smiling:)

Making and looking at collages is so much fun.

Inspiration walls bring sunshine to my day.

Kurt Vonnegut makes me giggle. You must read God bless you, mr. rosewater.

Zooey D.'s face always perks me up her cute little personality is as cool as her vintage clothes.

My best friends, Kaitlyn, Kelsey Hodge, and Kelsey Tarmey. Need I say more? They're amazing.

My oh so crazy and wonderful siblings, no matter how dysfunctional we are together, always pull a smile or a laught out of me. Holidays are wonderful with them.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Gardens of the Night

This movie is absolutely riveting, horrifying, powerful, and frighteningly honest. It's about a little girl who is kidnapped by two men and then forced into child prostitution. According to the movie maker, it happens all of the time in the United States. And that's the scary part. The girl grew up with these kidnappers who led her to believe that her parents had died. For over a decade she had no clue what was really going on. She only learned about her parents when she was 18. But by then, she felt so different from them that she couldn't return home. She spent her nights in hotel rooms with greasy old men selling her body.
This movie will leave you thinking about all the sick people in the world for hours. It'll make you cry and run and hug your mom and dad.
This is a powerful film that teaches people what's happening when we're not looking closely.

Friday, July 17, 2009

1) What have you been thinking about lately?
Mostly, I've been thinking about work and how I can be a better server. I've also been thinking a lot about how I should spend some of the money I've been making. And then there's my life. I've been thinking about this restlessness that's seemed to have infested itself in my marrow. I'm thinking of ways to rid myself of it.
2) What's been on your mind?
I think I just answered that.
3) What are you excited about at the moment?
I'm excited about the apartment style suite I'll be living in once fall comes around. I'm also very excited about all the english classes I'll be taking.
4) When was the last time you made a difference to somebody?
I'm surprised that I actually have a real answer for this one. I think I made a difference for my new friend Erika when I decided to send her a message online. People at school were being mean to her and she needed a friend. So, that's what I did. And I'm so glad that I did it too, because she's pretty awesome:)
5) Who are you really happy for at the moment?
Right now, I'm happiest for Erika, because she's away from all the bitchy nonsense of high school and hanging out with cool kids who share interests with her at this VTech computer camp.
6)When was the last time you felt inspired?
To be honest, I haven't felt very inspired at all lately. Working ten hours a day doing menial work will really squash out the gray matter. It really sucks. But I suppose the closest I've come to inspiration recently, would have to be a couple a days ago when I was picking things out for my dorm at the urban outfitters website. It got me so excited. I kept day dreaming about how my room will look.
7) If you could be in your dream place at the moment what would you be doing?
I'd be repairing broken relationships that I wish had never ended. I'd be making new friends with people I've known a long time. And I'd be happy.
8) If someone were describing your personality what would they say?
Let's see... Shy at first, but eventually bubbly and moderately outgoing. Undeniably quirky, smart, determined, resilient, creative, and irrevocably stubborn.
9) What are you most proud of?
Myself, actually. I'm proud of myself, because I've been working very hard since january to break out of my shell without falling a part. And I've been working hard to let the bitterness of my past go and to embrace the possibility of the future.
10) What's been tempting you lately?
All retail items. Now, that I've made all this money, I just want to go out and spend it on cool eclectic nonsense, even though I don't need most of it.
11) What's been the most consistent thing in your life?
The support of my best friends and family. Although the calibers of closeness in these relationships have shifted throughout time, I've ALWAYS known that I can call on them for anything at whatever time of day. And that means a lot to me.
12) What do you love about people?
Their stories... yes, first and foremost, I love the stories people have to share. I love understanding how those stories influence the way people come to be.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Right now, I just want to fucking scream my head off. I am so angry. I'm in the type of mood where your body feels almost tempted to punch a wall, even though it's fully aware of the fact that it would hurt like hell and possibly break a finger. Yeah, I'd still do it.

What caused me to feel so angry? Well, it's a long story that I don't want to tell. I know though that I really have no reason to be angry. It's all a very reasonable situation. But my body and mind are still furious. The type of fury that rationale can't come close to touching.


Wednesday, July 8, 2009

It's been all about the bed, the newspaper, and the breakfast these past two days.

Ahhhh... nothing like a much needed day off to warm and renourish my soul. I've been reading three very good books. The first is Sense and Sensibility by Ms. Jane Austin. The second is a guilty pleasure called This Lullaby. And lastly, the very satiric God Bless You, Mr. Rosewater by the oh so witty Kurt Vonnegut. One of my favorite lines, "The Second World War was over- and there I was at high noon, crossing Times Square with a Purple Heart on." -Vonnegut

pictures that catch my eye

Childhood traumas

So, I saw this picture today and it reminded me a lot about my childhood. I was always alone and reading somwhere outside. I didn't have many friends growing up. I wasn't very good at socializing. I often alienated people and made moments uncomfortable. So, yes, I was often alone or with my little brother.

I have a million traumatizing memories from childhood. Most of which take place in middle school where everyone made fun of me for being tall and wearing short pants. They'd always ask me where the flood was coming from. I mean, come on, I went through a growth spurt early on and my clothes just couldn't keep up with it. Anyway, the worst one took place during the third grade. I will never forget it. It forced me into lonliness.

It started with a mouse... We had one in the garage. And my parents used every technique possible to get rid of it before it got inside the house. They had traps, poisons, etc. Well, I was especially fascinated by the traps. I'd snap them all around the house for kicks and giggles. Well, one day I was playing with this girl from across the street. She started getting on my nerves (as most people did back then). So, I came up with the "brilliant" idea to seduce her into putting her finger in the mouse trap and letting me snap it. I don't why I thought it would be so amusing. It was just one of those nonsensical things kids do out of curiousity and boredom. So, anyway, I tricked her and snap went the trap. I didn't realize it was going to hurt her so badly... Well, she started to wail, and ran home. She told her parents on me and within seconds they marched across the street and banged on our front door.

The second I saw their faces my stomache dropped because I knew I was about to be in deep shit. Moments later my parents came out. The neighbors yelled at me and told me I did a very mean thing. They then demanded that I apologize to their daughter. But by that point I was feeling very agitated and rebellious by their overdramatic and overly emotional accusations and statements. So, instead of apologizing to them for sticking her finger in the trap, I said "I'm sorry, your daughter's dumb enough to let me put her finger in a mouse trap." To that their jaws dropped and I hauled my ass into my bedroom, because I knew my mom would be after me with the belt. But instead there was just silence. No one came running after me.

An hour later my parents came into my room and told me that the neighbors decided I was bad influence on their daughter. They said she wasn't allowed to play with me anymore. "Whatever", I thought. However, I started regretting hurting her finger a couple days later. Her family had a pool installed in her backyard, so, all the neighborhood kids went over to her house everyday (a house I was banned from). And I was left all alone.

Maybe I dserved it. maybe... just maybe... but you know what? To this day I still think she deserved to have her finger snapped. If you're stupid enough to put it in their, you deserve to be taught a lesson.
Anyway, while I hated being alone at the time. I appreciate it now. Being alone with books and nature back then taught me how to appreciate and embrace things I would have never noticed otherwise. I learned about the magic of imaginary friends and I also discovered my quirks. Besides as Sandra Bullock says in Yah Yah "If I had had an easy childhood, I'd have nothing to write about."
Now I just look back and laugh. sometimes cringe. but mostly laugh, because I have good friends now who understand me.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Friday, July 3, 2009

I don't know how to move on from the idea of him and I don't know if I want to. I just know that I'm ready for this heart ache to shed.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

"But you - you go ahead, go on, go on back down into the graveyard, lie down where you think their faces are; talk back to your old bad dreams." - Anne Sexton

"We think, sometimes, there's not a dragon left. Not one brave knight, not a single princess gliding through secret forests, enchanting deer and butterflies with her smile. What a pleasure to be wrong. Princesses, knights, enchantments and dragons, mystery and adventure ...not only are they here-and-now, they're all that ever lived on earth! Our century, they've changed clothes, of course. Dragons wear government-costumes, today, and failure-suits and disaster-outfits. Society's demons screech, whirl down on us should we lift our eyes from the ground, dare we turn right at corners we've been told to turn left. So crafty have appearances become that princesses and knights can be hidden from each other, can be hidden from themselves." -Richard Bach

"All of us failed to match our dreams of perfection. So I rate us on the basis of our splendid failure to do the impossible." - William Faulkner


I'm trying to do cool things with my room. This inspire me.

So just let go

Today was moderately life changing. This is why:

For the past few weeks, I have been stressing aimlessly over the direction my life is taking. I have been flipping out, because I'm so uncertain about everything. Is this class right for me? Is this person good for me? Should I really try to do this? All I've been thinking about is making right choices. I have been drowning in the stress of it all.

Well, today I waited on this old couple from Portland, Oregon. They're advocates for homeless people. We talked a lot about everything. And they told me don't stress so much about the uncertainty, because there is no right or wrong answer to any life decision. They told me the uncertainty will never meet it's resolution and for good reason. They said each choice we make, while consequential, won't ruin us or make us. It will simply inform us about what we do and don't like.

Hard Hearted by Amy Millan

I have a hard hearted island

Where I live alone

I've seen my love grow big as a mountain

And scatter like ashes and bones

These things I have forgotten

Memory I've left behind

Something was always drifting away

So I'll stay
It may be the night it might be the morning

Never again will I weep

I've got the wind blowing beside me

And the water to sing me to sleep

That sky can do my crying

Seasons can have my goodbyes

The city can keep all its history

And leave me

I have been beat, but I'm not defeated

Not bitter not bound and not meek

When disappointed is a slow burning fire

Let it drown under the sound of my feet