Tuesday, January 19, 2010

I've been thinking lately. And I've come to the conclusion that my life is changing constantly and yet there are still some parts that are exactly the same. It's like all my hopes, dreams, and feelings are staying the same, and they're just orbiting around the ever changing planet that I am. Sometimes I can't always see them, just like we can't always see the moon or sun, but I always know that they'll return and that they're out there floating among the stars and celestial spectacles that is life.

I feel like my life is so complicated and yet I feel like that's a good thing. I feel like my world is becoming more and more adventurous. It's like i'm on this inquisition to figure out myself and to civilize what's left of me. I want to create an empire within myself.

Alright, enough metaphors and similes for now.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

zomg. I want to see this so much it's a little unbearable.

The night starts here.

I had a great night. No, I had a great day! It started at, ugh, 7:30 am for my American Lit. class and then consisted of my drooling from boredom over this ridiculously dense, unbearably complicated, and fucking confusing article about the origins of rhetoric in Athens and the different systems through which Plato and Aristotle accessed them. It was all "if a+b" shit. But then afterwards I went to my Rhetoric class and it was amazing. It was SO surprising. My teacher just brought the subject to life in the most colorful and enchanting ways. She made everything so interesting. All I want to do now is homework for that class. But seeing as I have a finite amount, I had to figure out something else to do after I finished it. And I decided to go hang out with friends. And it was so great! Liz and Jenny and I just layed on Jenny's huge bean bag in her room and laughed about stupid stuff. There was no pressure. It was just chill and I love that. And then after that Corey and Tyler and I just had the most riveting and absorbing heart to heart for like three hours. We just sat and talked about EVERYTHING. I mean all the way from politics to personal tragedies. It was one of those conversations. We were all so in it. It was great. And if I wasn't so tired I'd create an elaborate portrait of words to illustrate the events. But I have class at 8 am tomorrow. So, I'm going to opt for sleep instead. I just had to put that out there.

Monday, January 11, 2010

I dreamed I was dying; as I so often do
And when I awoke I was sure it was true
I ran to the window; threw my head to the sky
And said whoever is up there,please don't let me die
But I can't live forever,I can't always be
One day I'll be sand on a beach by a sea
The pages keep turning, I'll mark off each day with a cross
And I'll laugh about all that we've lost

Friday, January 8, 2010

What are the words you do not yet have? What do you need to say? What are the tyrannies you swallow day by day and attempt to make your own, until you . . . sicken and die of them, still in silence? Perhaps for some of you here today, I am the face of one of your fears. Because I am a woman, because I am Black, because I am a lesbian, because I am myself—a black woman warrior poet doing my work—come to ask you, are you doing yours?
Audre Lorde
“The Transformation of Silence into Language and Action”

Thursday, January 7, 2010

I wake up in the morning and I step outside, and I take a deep breath, and I get real high, and I say "HEY what's going on?"

And I try, oh my God, do I try
I try all the time,
In this institution.
And I pray, oh my God, do I pray
I pray every single day
For a revolution.

So, if you've been reading my blog you know I like to party and have a good time. Well, lately I've been taking that good time a little too far and i've been stretching it thin over my eyes like a worn and torn veil. I've been drinking excessively... about every other night i'm leaning over the toilet. And I've been waking and baking everyday for the past two weeks. I've been smoking weed about 4 times a day. And not only that, but... I've been snorting things like focalin and pain killers on a more frequent basis. For awhile I thought this was all okay. I thought I was invincible... But then something happened. something that changed me forever. it was one of those events that people include in their memoir, or think of briefly right before they walk toward the light on their death bed. I tripped completely for the first time. And I can say easily without giving it much thought that it was the most horrific experience of my entire life. Maybe it's because I am crazy. I don't know why that particular hallucinogenic fucked me over so badly. And honestly I don't even want to think about it. I mean, I felt purely haunted by the experience for the next two days. I even debated seriously in my head whether I wanted to write about it. I was so afraid that writing about it would bring back the memories and make me relive it. But I'm going to tell you what happened, because I think that you guys should know what is possible if you take those drugs. It's not always fine and fucking dandy. Sometimes it's ridiculous and damaging and life altering.

I knew about 15 minutes after digesting it that I wasn't going to like the trip. My body started feeling really unusual and out of my control. I felt twitches up and down my legs and arms and back, and at the same time my body felt incredibly heavy, so, with each move I felt like I was losing strength. And then my vision began to change. I didn't just see the person sitting across from me. I saw a blurred and highlighted version. But then my mind started feeling distorted. Suddenly this person sitting across from me started to scare me for reasons unbeknowst to me. His heavy eyelids and glazed over stare started to scare me. "What do you see?" he asked me softly. And I just flipped out, because his whole appearance scared me so much. I was so scared of how little control I had that I couldn't believe he was actually enjoying it. And suddenly I thought he was some representative for the devil. So, I started to cry, and when he moved forward to comfort me I snapped. Because who wants a representative of the devil comforting them? So, I told him in the midst of
spiraling psychosis not to come near me. I was shaking and rocking back and forth, or atleast I thought I was. And then I started screaming at him. I said, "Just get the fuck out of my house." And I know he must have seen the insanity in my eyes because he bolted. And then I somehow managed to make it to my room. I turned the lights off and shook in bed, crying, sobbing, praying for it all to be over. My body felt so different and foreign and I just wanted to scratch my skin off. And then it occured to me that i might be experiencing some drug induced form of schizophrenia. I read book about that once. And it definitely seemed to be quite similar experiences. And so I started hypervenulating as voices and colors and images of clowns and harlequins soared in and out of my head, coming in through my ears and being transported out everytime I exhaled. It was like I had no control over anything. It was like I didn't exist. I had no connection to rationale. And I realized, laying in there in the darkness, cheeks all sticky and wet from crying, that I wanted my Mom and Dad. I didn't care how much trouble i'd be in. I just wanted them. I knew with them around I could be safe. So, I woke them up at 3am and they rushed into the car and drove an hour and a half from their home to pick me up. My dad stayed on the phone with me the whole time, trying to calm me down. He told me afterwards that he was so scared. He said the things I said and the eerieness of all the images I described was so out of the norm that he though I should go to the hospital. And then I told him that if I had a gun, I would shoot myself just to get the drug out of my system.Next thing I knew my parents had me in the car and were arguing about whether to take me to a hospital. I declined the invitation. I went home and after sitting in that hell for what seemed like forever, I finally drifted unknowingly to sleep.

When I woke up the next morning, I felt sane. And so fucking relieved that I was still alive, with my sanity intact. I also felt incredibly lucky. If it wasn't for my parents getting me and keeping me safe, I might not be here right now. I might've killed myself or been arrested or wound up running hysterically down the streets of Norfolk.

And so, I decided... No more drugs. I'm calling uncle. I'm saying when. I've had enough. I've learned my lesson.

I'm not quite sure why I treat myself the way I do. I'm incredibly self-destructive. It's not that I hate myself. I think it's that I want someone to save me. I don't know. But I know enough is enough. And it's time I tried taking care of myself.

Friday, January 1, 2010

Happy New Years... A rant

So, it's a new year. A new decade. And I still feel like the same old dark and twisted girl I was in 2009. and 2008. and possibly 2007. And yet, my life seems to have become irrevocably different. This past year I've changed almost everything about my lifestyle and managed to change almost nothing about myself. I drink a lot now. I smoke a lot of weed. I do a lot of drugs. Read less. Eh, write way more. Study less. Party more. I seem to function in a new way in an old world. I lost my virginity. It seems like that more than anything changed the way I saw things.

I thought losing my innocence would unveil some truth to life. As if, my nievity would subside and I'd be able to confront a land, a type of life, that shielded me from true happiness. I don't know. It sounds so stupid and dramatic, but that's what I thought would happen. In actuality, I ran smack dab into the old life. The same old shit. I just walked into it like a sliding glass door. And it woke me up. It made me realize things are exactly what they are. There's no secret to life. There's no real mystery. It is what it is. Life's hard. grab a helmet. And try to have as much fun as you can before you die.

Anyway, I can only hope that things will start to change for me in this coming year. I'm taking new classes. Hopefully, I'll meet new people. more interesting people. Maybe a guy... hell, maybe a girl... that'll help me to finally see the beauty around me. And maybe help me see the beauty in me too. Idk. All I can really focus on is doing the best  I can with what I've got. The rest is out of my hands.