I've been thinking lately. And I've come to the conclusion that my life is changing constantly and yet there are still some parts that are exactly the same. It's like all my hopes, dreams, and feelings are staying the same, and they're just orbiting around the ever changing planet that I am. Sometimes I can't always see them, just like we can't always see the moon or sun, but I always know that they'll return and that they're out there floating among the stars and celestial spectacles that is life.
I feel like my life is so complicated and yet I feel like that's a good thing. I feel like my world is becoming more and more adventurous. It's like i'm on this inquisition to figure out myself and to civilize what's left of me. I want to create an empire within myself.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
I had a great night. No, I had a great day! It started at, ugh, 7:30 am for my American Lit. class and then consisted of my drooling from boredom over this ridiculously dense, unbearably complicated, and fucking confusing article about the origins of rhetoric in Athens and the different systems through which Plato and Aristotle accessed them. It was all "if a+b" shit. But then afterwards I went to my Rhetoric class and it was amazing. It was SO surprising. My teacher just brought the subject to life in the most colorful and enchanting ways. She made everything so interesting. All I want to do now is homework for that class. But seeing as I have a finite amount, I had to figure out something else to do after I finished it. And I decided to go hang out with friends. And it was so great! Liz and Jenny and I just layed on Jenny's huge bean bag in her room and laughed about stupid stuff. There was no pressure. It was just chill and I love that. And then after that Corey and Tyler and I just had the most riveting and absorbing heart to heart for like three hours. We just sat and talked about EVERYTHING. I mean all the way from politics to personal tragedies. It was one of those conversations. We were all so in it. It was great. And if I wasn't so tired I'd create an elaborate portrait of words to illustrate the events. But I have class at 8 am tomorrow. So, I'm going to opt for sleep instead. I just had to put that out there.
Monday, January 11, 2010
I dreamed I was dying; as I so often do
And when I awoke I was sure it was true
I ran to the window; threw my head to the sky
And said whoever is up there,please don't let me die
But I can't live forever,I can't always be
One day I'll be sand on a beach by a sea
The pages keep turning, I'll mark off each day with a cross
And I'll laugh about all that we've lost
Friday, January 8, 2010
What are the words you do not yet have? What do you need to say? What are the tyrannies you swallow day by day and attempt to make your own, until you . . . sicken and die of them, still in silence? Perhaps for some of you here today, I am the face of one of your fears. Because I am a woman, because I am Black, because I am a lesbian, because I am myself—a black woman warrior poet doing my work—come to ask you, are you doing yours?
“The Transformation of Silence into Language and Action”
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Friday, January 1, 2010
So, it's a new year. A new decade. And I still feel like the same old dark and twisted girl I was in 2009. and 2008. and possibly 2007. And yet, my life seems to have become irrevocably different. This past year I've changed almost everything about my lifestyle and managed to change almost nothing about myself. I drink a lot now. I smoke a lot of weed. I do a lot of drugs. Read less. Eh, write way more. Study less. Party more. I seem to function in a new way in an old world. I lost my virginity. It seems like that more than anything changed the way I saw things.
I thought losing my innocence would unveil some truth to life. As if, my nievity would subside and I'd be able to confront a land, a type of life, that shielded me from true happiness. I don't know. It sounds so stupid and dramatic, but that's what I thought would happen. In actuality, I ran smack dab into the old life. The same old shit. I just walked into it like a sliding glass door. And it woke me up. It made me realize things are exactly what they are. There's no secret to life. There's no real mystery. It is what it is. Life's hard. grab a helmet. And try to have as much fun as you can before you die.
Anyway, I can only hope that things will start to change for me in this coming year. I'm taking new classes. Hopefully, I'll meet new people. more interesting people. Maybe a guy... hell, maybe a girl... that'll help me to finally see the beauty around me. And maybe help me see the beauty in me too. Idk. All I can really focus on is doing the best I can with what I've got. The rest is out of my hands.