My life seems very lackluster right now. And I seem to deal with it in a very maladroit way. Everytime I try to move forward, I let the weight of my past mistakes weigh me down. Two steps forward never stays just two steps forward, I enevitably fall one step back. And in doing so, I become depressed and discouraged. I feel like I'm being suffocated by my past. I just want to rid myself of all that shit, but I don't know how.
I love reading the bell jar during times like this. I must have lent my copy out to someone who never returned it, because I couldn't find my copy anywhere. I had to go to the bookstore and buy a new one. I hate going to the bookstore and asking someone to help me find sylvia plath. they always laugh and ask me what class its for. When I tell them that it's not for a class, but my own personal reading, they always give me the weirdest looks as if I just revealed to them that i'm on the brink of a mental breakdown.
I think I just might be on the edge of a breakdown... "I felt very still and empty, the way the eye of a tornado must feel, moving dully along in the middle of the surrounding hullabaloo."
"After Doreen left, I wondered why I couldn't go the whole way doing what I should any more. This made me sad and tired. Then I wondered why I couldn't go the whole way doing what I shouldn't, the way Doreen did, and this made me even sadder and more tired...I'd heard the hall go still, and as I lay on my back in bed staring up at the, white ceiling the stillness seemed to grow bigger and bigger until I felt my eardrums would burst with it."
How do you break free without falling a part?
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Okay, so today has been one of those bittersweet ones when you spend all of your time being dilligent with and focused on your school work and much needed studying, and as you do so, you miss out on doing something really memorable (no pun intended) with, lets say, you're friends. You're happy that you feel more prepared for school, but you're sad, because you feel like you haven't left your mark on anything. You had just been sitting inside brewing in cerebral experiences that you can't translate into physical actions.
I feel restless.
I'm taking a much desired break from U.S. History. My brain definitely deserves a little spice right now.
Too much of this:
Not enough of something like this:
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
I had a panic attack last night. panic attacks are the absolute worst. they always happen when you're not in immediate danger and yet it feels like you are indeed in immediate danger as the fear presses hard against your chest.
I ran into * . I turned the corner where my class was located near and there she was holding hands with her husband. they looked so cute walking down the hallway holding hands like two kids in a sandbox. i was jealous.
I wanted to run up to her and tell her that I was doing well and felt good. But then I wondered if that would be a lie. I was so scared of what she would think of me.
In times like these I think about what my sister Jennifer says, no emotion is a permanent state of being. Thus, we are not happy, but instead we feel happy. Things are always changing.
Nothing but death is truly permanent.
I am doing well on paper. And I am doing well in life. I have my bad days, but who doesn't?
I wish I did say something to her (I didn't, in case you were wondering). I wish I said something like i'm sorry for saying fuck you and I hope you're having a good week.
Maybe something like that...
Even though I feel resolved with my status quo, I still feel troubled. The quote explains it.
"The trouble with resisting temptation is that you may not get another chance."