Sunday, November 29, 2009

"I look to the left, I look to the right... Hands are grabbing me from every side."

Saturday, November 28, 2009

From a whisper to a scream.

I want so desperately for someone to understand what I'm going through. I want someone to stand up when I feel weak and grab the world in their hands and just stop it from rotating for one day. All I need is the world to stop moving, for people to stop rushing around starbucks, for duedates to die, for people to chill, while I catch my breath. My medicine is still not here. And my brain is still clouded with emotions that I can't even begin to understand. I say this everyday and I know it's getting old, but all I want to do is lay in bed. It's the only thing that makes sense.

Sometimes when life is hard, I just want to hide. I don't want to clean up the mess. And it's not that I don't know how. I know what I need to do. I need to chill out with the partying, I need to scedule a therapy appointment, take my meds, shower, and get back to class. I need to chill the fuck out. I just don't have the strength to do it. It was never not knowing how. It's always been the issue of strength and not having enough.

I had a break down today. I flipped out on my Mom and smacked my sister. I yelled at my mom and accused her of not loving me the way she loves my siblings. It's like ever sicne I was little my mom's seen me more as a responsibility, this emotionally handicapped job that she doesn't feel like attending to. It hurts so badly. It hurts every time I look at the way she laughs and gossips with my sister and then sighs at the sight of my messy hair and smudged mascara.My 27 year old perfect sister (no really, she's fucking perfect) yelled at me and tried to stick herself into something she had no business dealing with. My Mom started to cry, as I smacked my sister, and asked me why I do this to the family. Everyone was standing in the kitchen looking at me like I was a monster who ruins everything. So, I flipped out. I lost control. I started pulling my hair, kicking the chairs around, screaming and crying, breaking their stupid shit that they buy to show everyone we're wealthy. They just cried silently in response and dodged the flying bullets that my insults became.

I've been hurting a lot lately, but i've also been numb. It combs in and out like waves. There are lulls or lapses, where the pain slips away and I feel nothing, but that does not bring me peace. It's like the rain stopped, but the sky's still shitty and gray and the grounds all wet.

I know what I need to do. I need to get shit off my chest and talk about this stuff. I'm letting it curl up with me. And that is so monumentally painful. It's like I'm living with a ghost, this transparent being that exists in the small valley of my hopes.

I will tell you something in an effort to get it off my chest. Life can be really shitty, I mean fucked up, disturbing, dark, twisty, shitty. I mean the shitty you don't like to think or write about. the shitty that's so ugly that you don't give it the time of day. You suffer from because it's easier than dealing with. We each have a story that brings about this shittiness. Here's mine.

When I was seven years old my Mom got tired of me. She was tired, just so tired. She had four kids and my dad was living in d.c. I was Add and all over the house, running around, breaking things, begging for attention. She was tired. She couldn't take care of me. And she hated that, but she accepted that she needed a break, came to terms with it, and took a mental health break. She abandoned me for a summer. In the midst of stress and frustration and sleep deprivation, she dropped me off at her sisters for a summer in Philadelphia. I stood there with a lump in my throat, clutching my stuffed animal, and watched her drive away. I thought that was the worst thing that could happen to me. I seriously thought, wow, what's gonna top that? But then my uncle's hand wrapped around my shoulder... and he started squeezing it and massaging it. And the next thing I knew, when no one else was around, he was asking me to sit with him on the couch. He made me pinky promise that what would happen next would be our secret. I was such an idiot. My gut told me that what was about to happen, this so called "game" was evil. But I just wasn't sure. So, I nodded my head, and took his pinky in mine, and promised never to tell. For the rest of that summer he licked, poked, and prodded my naked body. He molested me unashamedly. It was like living in hell. At night, I wouldn't sleep, because I was so afraid to wake up and find him standing over my bed or something. I never ate, because he always made me sick to my stomach. When I went hoem I was afraid to sleep, because I didn't want to talk in my sleep (something I am notorious for) and reveal the darkest secret I've ever posessed. So, I didn't sleep. I didn't eat. I lived in pain and silence. I threw tantrums, I disrespected teachers. I screamed a little every day hoping to get the disgust I felt over myself and body out of my system.  Nothign worked. Eventually I told some people, not my family. I told my therapist. I told Kait. I told Leslie. I opened up a little. And that felt good, but I never felt entirely healed. Then one day I couldn't take it any longer, my mom was planning a holiday trip to my aunt and uncles and I just told her everything. I started crying. She started crying. My dad started crying. they felt so guilty. I held that secret in for six years.

I don't always talk about it, but it doesn't mean that I don't think about it. I am a 19 year old young woman with a rather superior iq. I smoke pot, I go to the local university, I have friends, am fairly popular. I fit in and don't stick out as far as appearances go. But inside, I feel like I'm a different species. And I don't know what to do, or to say to myself, to make that feeling go away. I just know how to hide and lay in bed.

I want to be brave. I want to be someone 13 year old girls look up to and what to be like. I want to be just like Leslie (with some minor changes of course). I want to teach and be a scholar. But I don't know how to do that when my mind and body feel so weak.

Friday, November 27, 2009


Was incredible. full of lots and lots of delicious food and great family bonding time. We spent all day sipping champagne and playing are you smarter than a 5th grader on wii, while, my dear old mom, cooked the turkey and other such items. Then myself, my mom and dad, my two sisters, little brother, sister's boyfriend (they're in the above picture), other sister's best friend sat around the table and chatted about what we felt most thankful for. It was great. I wish it didn't have to end.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Sometimes... I like laying in bed all day and watching movie trailers

I've layed in bed all day today, lounging, reading, talking on the phone to my friend Rocky, watching grey's anatomy (which is an amazing show btw). I haven't done hw. Haven't cracked open my bio textbook. And I'm okay with that. In an odd way, I feel like today was very productive. For the first time, in a long time, I feel rested. pure and simple. the kind of rested you can only get from laying in bed all day watching your favorite show and reading your favorite book. I feel peaceful. Not entirely peaceful, but close enough, which is surprising, because I still don't have my meds.

Last night was fun. I went to two different parties with some friends. One was pretty lame. It consisted of cheap 40s, black lights, and highlighters... the next was a little more classy. It maintained a well developed rap off between these two guys. I sat on the stairwell with my friend eric and we played 20 questions while the rest of the world bumped and grinded to the music. Then we went back to my place where we cuddled the night away. He's a really nice guy, whom I enjoy getting to know. I just don't know if I'm ready to like anyone yet.

I say I want deep, mad, truthful,life affirming love all the time. But I never consider the fact that with that love comes hard work, fighting, messy, twisted feelings, and having to worry about the other person. I don't know if i'm ready for that side of it. I don't know if I want it. Besides, I like being alone most of the time. I don't like having to worry about other people with the same intensity that I worry about myself. You may call me selfish. I think I'm just human. I just don't need any more problems in my life right now.

Friday, November 20, 2009

let's talk about something taboo... vaginas

I have my first gynecology appointment today... zo scary. I guess it's about time. I've been engaging in sex now for a few months and, well, it's time I made sure everything's still in tip top shape. I'm afraid though that she'll tell me something I don't want to hear, like "Oh you slut, now look, you have syphillis." or something... idk, i think i'm over thinking this. I have nothing to be paranoid about. I use condoms, I'm hygenic... nothing to be scared of right? Ugh, but then I'm afraid of the other side of it. The stupid scary part, like the fact that someone's going to be poking medical instruements in one of my, if not the most, private part of my body. What if I have an ugly vagina? Idk. This is scary.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

All I can do is keep breathing.

I've been especially out of it these past couple of days. I've been sleep deprived, tired, moody, and frustrated. I don't really know what's prvoking these feelings. People ask me what's wrong and all I can say is that it hurts. I ran out of my medicine two weeks ago. All of it. And i haven't been able to see my psychiatrist. I hate how my moods depend on pills. I hate it so much. I just have to make it through today and then tomorrow and a couple more days and then I'll be better. Because that's when I can see my doctor.

I took a late afternoon shower today. I was letting the warm water run over my naked body. I leaned against the wall for support and then slid down to the floor. I just sat there with my knees pulled into my chest and sobbed as the water hit me. I want out of these feelings. I just want a fucking break already.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Sunday, November 15, 2009


I made the bold decision Saturday morning to get bangs. yay. I'm glad I took the risk.

Last night was so much fun. I went to a house concert in little creek where everyone drank, smoked, and moshed the night away. There was pushing, shoving, and loud music to create the ambiance. When we weren't all bashing into each other jovially (a deserate attempt to portray the way the music "affected" us), we were outside in the cool night air smoking cigs and chatting about what it is that makes up life.
After the party I tripped for the first time. zo weird. I ate mushrooms. They were splendidly unnerving. The only problem was that I didn't get much of a trip. I only felt it a little. Everyone was asleep, all cuddled up with each other in bed. I put my big red coat on and tip toed to the fire escape, where I sat and smoked. The sun was rising and the mushrooms made the light seem so peachy and happy and beyond my control that I had a transcendental moment. I could hear the noisy late night traffic from the city and it was like I left my body for a moment and floated/basked in the morning rays.
Ahh I'm so glad I ate them with the people I did. Lizzie and Shane are awesome. Lizzie and I cuddled up together, noses practically touching, while Shane complained about not having enough room on the bed. haha. 

Thursday, November 12, 2009

When you live in VA, you don't have snow days... you have rain days

Yes, no school for me or for anyone living within a 20 mile radius. The rain is pouring so fiercely and thoroughly throughout my city that classes have been cancelled. Fun Fun Fun. I plan to spend the day with my two new friends Cheli and Lizzie.

Last night we all had a sleepover. We made a fort of blankets on her living room floor and then watched Mad Men via her lap top until like 1am. We all fell asleep together cuddled up underneath cozy blankets, listening to the sounds of water dripping into a pot from her leaky roof. ah, the joys of young adulthood.

Today we are going to make soup. yummm:)

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Anime Convention via Shane D. Butler.

google him. find his website. he is my friend and an amazing photographer. you will slowly see much more of his work on here.

Just another way to procrastinate

I don't want to do my hw. I don't want to study. I only want to write, but I don't know what to write about. So, I'm going to compile a detailed survey that you can read tog et to know me. Then maybe, just maybe, I might feel like doing my hw. Sometimes I feel like I have to exhaust all possibilities of fun before I do my hw. Otherwise, I'll want to do something else the entire time and will thus feel distracted. So here we go.

This was stolen from Mayte's myspace btw.

As of this minute, what is going through your mind?

I am a mess.

What are you wearing?
Jeans, black shirt with black flowers embroidered on the top, and a black cardigen with gold flip flops.

Have you ever liked someone older than you?
More like when do I not. I have a thing for older guys. Way older. I know it sounds cliche, but I feel like guys my age don't really understand me.

What was your first thought this morning?
Not again. I'm tired of the mundane routines like going to class that ruin my life.

Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh?
Absolutely not.

What are you currently listening to?
Bury This by Amy Millan

Where's the last place you went besides your house
conveinent store. needed cigs.

Do you miss the way things used to be?
Sometimes I miss the old more innocent Kim.

Who was the last person to call you, and why did they call?
My Latin Professor haha. She told me to call all the peeps in class and inform them that she was runnign late.

Where is your phone?
In my yellow purse.

Are you a forgiving person?
perhaps too forgiving.

Can you watch scary movies?
mhhmm. they don't scare me.
What's the closest thing to you that is green?
My green towel

What did you do yesterday?
I woke up. Got baked. Ate breakfast. Went to American Lit. Discussed Thoreauvian theories. Went to lunch. Met up with corey. Got baked. Hung out. Did random shit.

Has some one ever told you something that brought tears to your eyes?
Not really. I'm not much of a cryer. I'm usally in shock or angry.

Has anyone let you down recently?
Yeah. I thought this woman was mature enough to move on and get over my old melodramatic bullshit, but apparently she doesn't want to. And that is a disappointing shame.

Do you remember the first time you kissed the last person you kissed?
there was only one time.

Does it bother you when people try to make you jealous?
no. i find it incredibly flattering.

Last time you had a sleepover?
Brian slept on my couch Saturday night, because he was too drunk to drive home. Does that count?

What are you excited for?
Moving into my house.

Do you still have your tan lines from summer?
oh god no

Do you remember the reason why you last threw up?
um, drunk as shit.

Do you have a Facebook?

Is Facebook better than Myspace?
yeah, more people use it.

Do you ever go on Youtube and search the most random things?
only when i'm desperate for soemthign to do.

What's the next movie you want to see in theaters?

Do you live near a beach?
why, yes, I do! But I never go.

Do you have more than $50 in your room?
try 10.

Do you think there is a difference between love and in love?
love is what you give your mother and best friend. being in love is that magical state of being that only exists when you're around that special person.

Do you like tomatoes?
with mayo and salt

Were you tired when you woke up this morning?

What did you have for breakfast today?

Who is at your house right now?
my roommates

Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now?
no one

Making Moves

Lately, I've been feeling kind of out of it. I've been feeling very lazy and unenthused about a lot of things, but mostly school. My grades have dropped dramatically from all As to all Cs. I don't know what's going on. It's just that every time I open a novel I'm supposed to read or start my Latin hw, I can't get into it. I try so hard, but my mind is in a completely different place that refuses to let go. And I can't get any work done.

I don't know where my mind is right now. Everyone says I seem like I'm some where else. Where am I? I just keep dreaming about better and funner places where things make sense and everything goes my way. I wish I could connect the two worlds. I think I'm going to try, I just have no idea how to do that. All I know for certain is that I just want to lay in bed all day and feel better. It's getting so cold outside.

I can't wait until the end of the semester when I move out of the dorms and into my own house. I think things will get better for me then. I'll have less distractions, etc. I'll be able to focus on the important things in life. I can't wait to decorate everything. I already know how I'm going to set things up. I'm buying a shit ton of decor from They have the best apartment stuff. You should check it out.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

oh boy

So, I went to an anime convention last night with friends. We all got drunk before hand and walked around oogling the costumes and extreme dorkiness of those around us. We took a lot of cool pictures, which you'll see soon. But the best part was the very end. There was a huge techno rave. We all just jumped in and danced around waving glow sticks all the while.

Friday, November 6, 2009

A new short story...

Here's what I got so far. Tell me what you think.

The sky was irritatingly sunny. And the wind was evilly withdrawn on this very hot summer day. I sat on my wooden porch swing, barefoot with my tan knees pulled toward my chest, taking deep drags of cigarettes. I picked at my chipped red toe nail polish with one equally chipped fingernail and contemplated resurfacing them with a new color before Miles arrived. But decided against it. Too much work. So, instead I stayed where I was. Smoking deeply, with my back pressed against wood, rocking ever so slightly, to the old blues. The smoke leaving my mouth uncurled itself into the sky as I looked around me, bobbing my head to the music. Old houses with big front porches painted in funny colors like red and turquoise surrounded me. Bordering the back yards and porches were lighting features, like Chinese lanterns, Tiki torches, and white Christmas lights for decoration. They created a refreshing ambiance at night. Scattered in the overgrown front lawns were beer cans and beer bottles, informing passersby that the house was indeed owned by college students. My own home was indeed littered with ciggerette boxes and empty bottles from last night’s rather wild rendez vous. I laughed fondly as I remembered the way everyone immediately upon getting high, sat down to discuss the different meanings in all the aspects of life. It was like the marijuana was a soap washing away everyone’s insecurities and fears for the night. The bud of the plant supplied fertilizer to the blossoming individuals in the room.

And then I saw the most beautiful thing: Miles with his brown curly hair and creamy white skin, pedaling down my street on his blue mountain bike. In his ripped up army coat that he got from his Father, and tan cargo pants, he came to embrace me. His breath, a warm sweet smell of pancakes, splashed my face like warm water on a cold day. His strong arms lifted me off the ground a bit as he leaned back with me. I nuzzled into his shoulder and breathed in the lusciousness of the subtle milky scent. Looking into his face I saw his sapphire blue eyes, glowing in the sunlight. He smiled his crooked little smile dressed in slightly plump red lips and kissed me on the forehead.

“Hello, dear lady,” he said.

I looked up at him and smiled involuntarily from the special gratitude one feels after being flattered. I loved it when he called me that. It made me feel better than what I was.

“Hello, good sir,” I replied.

“How are you feeling,” he asked.

And suddenly without realizing it, any certainty about my mood slipped away from me. And I was left dumb founded. I wasn’t happy, but I wasn’t sad. I was pleased to see him, but there was still an underlying sentiment of grief in my spirit. I stared into the distance thinking about the valleys between the contrast of my feelings.

And mumbled, “I…I..I actually don’t know.”

He looked back at me with concern. His face scrunched up as his eyebrows furrowed. And then I abruptly felt my stomach open up and a feeling of gestational pain gurgle up toward my throat. My head pulled back as the involuntary gagging action was evoked. I was about to puke. I looked panicked in his worried eyes, and then ran into the house, cupping my hand in front of my mouth all the while. I got to the bathroom and leaned over. At first I just dry heaved. But then yellow spit came up. Still this removal of waste was not satisfying. I needed to hurry the pain out of my stomach. So, as I knelt over the toilet I stuck two fingers down my throat and wiggled them, feeling the back of my insides flap a little. I continued to wiggle my finger as I slowly lost the ability to breathe. Spit and Mucous were slowly spilling from the crevice between my fist and the corners of my mouth. Tears ran down my cheeks. Finally, and with great weight, yellow and green barf spewed from my mouth. Miles had walked in at this point and held my long brown hair back with a hand, as he rubbed my shoulders. Every couple of seconds another thrust of barf would come.

Finally I was finished. My throat stung from the forced encounter with my fingers. I looked into the mirror for a second as I brushed my stained teeth. Mascara ran down my tan cheeks. My green eyes were rimmed with the color of blood, as I gargled, a little water spilling from the corners of my mouth. Bright red veins shot from the pupil. I looked like shit, but I felt so much better.

After I left the bathroom, Miles looked at me quizzically.

“What was that about,” he asked.

“I have no idea,” I said truthfully.

But before I could wonder too long, our friends Isabelle and Michelle showed up. Isabelle was a beautiful brown mix of Puerto Rican and Italian. Her long brown hair curled to pieces of perfection in the golden light. Her brown eyes were like chestnuts on a warm fire. Dressed in jean cut off shorts, white converses, and a yellow college t-shirt, she sat down on our purple couch. Next to her, Michelle sat in navy blue hot pants that made her ass look firm and accessible. Her tank top showed off her large breasts, while her long blond hair softened her entire look. Her eyes seemed dead and her thoughts seemed vast and incompatible with the rest of the worlds.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009


I found my cell phone. I found my student id. I got high, did some hw, and now feel like dancing. It's amazing how quickly days can turn around.

And so it is...

I am having a very bad day. It started off with a very soar throat and then propelled itself to the height of chills and nausea. After two advil it loosened up and got a little better. But then I realized I have to write a short story, 3 poems, and do a hw assignment in addition to reading a novel... all by thursday night. So, that killed the tiniest little buzz I had. Then after smoking a little bud to calm me down, I left my cell phone and student id card in the school's cafeteria. My life fucking sucks sometimes.

I don't know. Lately I've been feelign very she-wolf. I've been smoking pot all day witht he boys and then roaming aorund campus, taring a part every social observation i make with inquires about morality and insight. I've been debating people and standing up for myself. It's a good feeling.

And so, right now I'm blue and I'm well. I just feel skeptical about everything.

Monday, November 2, 2009


Right now, I feel weird. I don't know how to express exactly what I'm feeling. I just know that I don't want to go to class. I don't want to take quizzes. I don't want to talk to people. I just want to lay in bed and listen to sad music. I don't want to be held accountable for anything right now. I just feel so weak emotionally. I know I sound lazy and you're probably thinking I'm pathetic, but I'm not. What I'm feeling right now is so heavy. It's more than anyone can bear. If you felt the way I do, you'd understand.

Sometimes when I walk around outside like this and see people I know, I wonder if they can tell just how upset and confused I am. Can they see past the small talk and the fake smiling. Can they see past my composure. I know my mom can. She came to visit and it was like she knew immediately. moms are like that. she noticed the bags under my eyes.

I hope I feel better soon, because Life doesn't wait.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

My Halloween

Halloween was pretty cool for me. I went to this interesting party full of professors and graduate students in a really nice part of campus. We all got high together and then made love to the english language by having some of the most heartfelt and raw conversations. Everyone was amazing. Here are some pictures. Everyone thought I was Angelina Jolie from the changeling, but really I was just someone from the 40s. I'm the chick with the yellow hat:)