Wednesday, February 11, 2009

She don't run from the sun no more...

I had a panic attack last night. panic attacks are the absolute worst. they always happen when you're not in immediate danger and yet it feels like you are indeed in immediate danger as the fear presses hard against your chest.

I ran into * . I turned the corner where my class was located near and there she was holding hands with her husband. they looked so cute walking down the hallway holding hands like two kids in a sandbox. i was jealous.

I wanted to run up to her and tell her that I was doing well and felt good. But then I wondered if that would be a lie. I was so scared of what she would think of me.

In times like these I think about what my sister Jennifer says, no emotion is a permanent state of being. Thus, we are not happy, but instead we feel happy. Things are always changing.

Nothing but death is truly permanent.

I am doing well on paper. And I am doing well in life. I have my bad days, but who doesn't?

I wish I did say something to her (I didn't, in case you were wondering). I wish I said something like i'm sorry for saying fuck you and I hope you're having a good week.

Maybe something like that...

Even though I feel resolved with my status quo, I still feel troubled. The quote explains it.

"The trouble with resisting temptation is that you may not get another chance."

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