Tuesday, February 24, 2009

The Bell Jar

My life seems very lackluster right now. And I seem to deal with it in a very maladroit way. Everytime I try to move forward, I let the weight of my past mistakes weigh me down. Two steps forward never stays just two steps forward, I enevitably fall one step back. And in doing so, I become depressed and discouraged. I feel like I'm being suffocated by my past. I just want to rid myself of all that shit, but I don't know how.

I love reading the bell jar during times like this. I must have lent my copy out to someone who never returned it, because I couldn't find my copy anywhere. I had to go to the bookstore and buy a new one. I hate going to the bookstore and asking someone to help me find sylvia plath. they always laugh and ask me what class its for. When I tell them that it's not for a class, but my own personal reading, they always give me the weirdest looks as if I just revealed to them that i'm on the brink of a mental breakdown.

I think I just might be on the edge of a breakdown... "I felt very still and empty, the way the eye of a tornado must feel, moving dully along in the middle of the surrounding hullabaloo."

"After Doreen left, I wondered why I couldn't go the whole way doing what I should any more. This made me sad and tired. Then I wondered why I couldn't go the whole way doing what I shouldn't, the way Doreen did, and this made me even sadder and more tired...I'd heard the hall go still, and as I lay on my back in bed staring up at the, white ceiling the stillness seemed to grow bigger and bigger until I felt my eardrums would burst with it."

How do you break free without falling a part?

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