Saturday, May 30, 2009

There are a lot of things going on in my mind right now. The first is my new job. I absolutely love it. The people I work with are so nice and sweet. My managers make me feel really comfortable. And the work really captures my attention and keeps it engaged. I never feel bored or idle. And not only that, I actually find the work enjoyable. The second thing is my future. I'm just so afraid of what's going to happen when I graduate from college. Will I be able to find a job in the midst of this crazy, unstable, and faltering economy? And if I do, will it lead me into a creative and engaging, thoroughly satisfying career? Oh god, I hope so. Thirdly, what type of career do I want? I have so many ideas, but none of them truly hold weight. They all just flicker around my imagination like fireflies that I can't take seriously. The most practical thing for me to do is teach. And I can imagine myself being good at that, but I don't see myself being truly satisfied. Another one of my many ideas, is working for a publishing company. I think it would be really cool to work for like penguin books or random house or something. Maybe being a book editor. All I know for certain is that I want to be really happy and excited with my work. I want to love my career and have it be a large part of my life. The next thing on my mind, is my manic-depression. I have been taking my medication everyday for the past few months. This is very different for me, because I used to skip it all the time. And so now, my moods are stable and for the most part appropriate and proportionate in regard to the situation I'm in. At first it felt great to be normal for once, but now as I get too used to it I feel bored. I miss the mania and the highs and the intensity of all my distorted feelings. The creativity brought on by the moodswings was intoxicating. With the medication, I feel like bits of earth and mud. Where as, without it I feel like fire and light. How do I reach a happy median?

"But if you have had stars at your feet and the rings of planets through your hands, are used to sleeping only four or five hours a night and now sleep eight, are used to staying up all night for days and weeks in a row and now cannot, it is a very real adjustment to blend into a three piece suit schedule, which while comfortable to many, is new, restrictive, seemingly less productive, and maddeningly less intoxicating."


  1. I'm glad your first day went so well! I could totally see you being a book editor but you can always try different jobs within the literary field before you specify your career. I'm proud of you for being consistent with your meds. You might miss the dizzying, creative highs but the pit deep lows aren't worth falling into in the trade off. Stay strong!

  2. do you mind me asking what medication you're taking? i used to have a close friend who was manic-depressive, and i find it utterly fascinating.