Wednesday, October 28, 2009

tissues, tears, long walks, and marijuana

Yesterday was one of the most interesting days of my life. I spent the entire day volunteering for the Deeds campaign on campus. I went around approaching people, asking them if they'd be interested in helping out the campaign. I got to know so many new personailities through that. I met old people, young people, kids, and spouses. People can be so fascinating when you give them a minute to talk about just anything they want.

After I did that, I saw OBAMA, zo cool. It was so weird. I had to keep pinching myself reminding myself that he was actually in front of us. I'm just so used to hearing him on tv. Yeah know?

Afteward, I ran into a ghost from my past. The husband of my old mentor. I broke down in front of him and started to cry. His wife had abandoned me when I went crazy, because she thought I needed some alone time with myself, or something. I don't know. People get freaked out and run when you talk suicide. Anyway, I began telling him that I was in a much better place now when all of a sudden I started to cry a little bit. But it was a good cry. He looked at me like I was a freak, but I didn't care. I just kept thinking about how much I've grown and how beautiful that is. I wasn't crying because I was sad. I don't think he quite got that. But that tends to happen when people don't keep their minds open to new thoughts. Sometimes people get so caught up with what happened in the past that they can't see the beauty in the present moment. They're like that, this couple. Still, I cried shamelessly, because for the first time sitting in front of him, the embodiement of rejection, I felt completely secure in myself and my sanity. And that is such an important stepping stone for me. For the first time I didn't care what he thought. I almost started laughing, because he seemed so thoroughly convinvced that I was crying over his wife's rejection. But in actuality I was crying over the beauty in my gain. He didn't get that. And for the first time, I was okay with them not getting it. It was such a beautiful feeling. I felt like a layer was peeling back and I became more myself. The person I'm supposed to be.

She was such a big part of my life that losing her as a friend and mentor during that crazy time was excruciatingly painful. But I've learned so much as a result. Lying there all brusied and hurt on the ground, my msucles grew stronger as I lifted myself up without her aid. And now I run around enjoying life all on my own. If they don't understand that or acknowledge it, well that's their loss. I'm independent enough that I can do this shit on my own. With that being said, I feel like I just opened the door to a new part of life. A more free one.

After THAT, I got high with my friends. We smoked so much. And we just walked around this old neighborhood looking at the architecture of each uniquely built home. We laughed so hard and talked about all the important things. Then they all want to some meeting that I didn't want to attend. So, I walked around campus formulating this really cool story that you'll eventually see. It's about old people seeing worth in newer and more different ways. Then I bumped into this guy named Tyler who was smoking a cigar on the bench with this guy named Thomas who happened to be reading a book on the supreme court. Thomas turned out to be the coolest guy. We talked about everything. Tyler even ditched us, because it was obvious what was going on. Thomas and I just hit it off so well. He helped me conjure up ideas for short stories and poems and he told me what his lif eis like. In a few short hours walking around our city we made ourselves so vulnerable to each other. I just looked into his eyes after all that was said and saw so much potential, warmth, and knowledge that it made tomorrow seem like a better idea. We're going on a date next week:)

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