Friday, January 1, 2010

Happy New Years... A rant

So, it's a new year. A new decade. And I still feel like the same old dark and twisted girl I was in 2009. and 2008. and possibly 2007. And yet, my life seems to have become irrevocably different. This past year I've changed almost everything about my lifestyle and managed to change almost nothing about myself. I drink a lot now. I smoke a lot of weed. I do a lot of drugs. Read less. Eh, write way more. Study less. Party more. I seem to function in a new way in an old world. I lost my virginity. It seems like that more than anything changed the way I saw things.

I thought losing my innocence would unveil some truth to life. As if, my nievity would subside and I'd be able to confront a land, a type of life, that shielded me from true happiness. I don't know. It sounds so stupid and dramatic, but that's what I thought would happen. In actuality, I ran smack dab into the old life. The same old shit. I just walked into it like a sliding glass door. And it woke me up. It made me realize things are exactly what they are. There's no secret to life. There's no real mystery. It is what it is. Life's hard. grab a helmet. And try to have as much fun as you can before you die.

Anyway, I can only hope that things will start to change for me in this coming year. I'm taking new classes. Hopefully, I'll meet new people. more interesting people. Maybe a guy... hell, maybe a girl... that'll help me to finally see the beauty around me. And maybe help me see the beauty in me too. Idk. All I can really focus on is doing the best  I can with what I've got. The rest is out of my hands.

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