Friday, September 11, 2009

Today will be better I swear.

"you've got a fast car, but is it fast enough so you could fly away? you've gotta make a decision. you leave tonight or live and die this way."

So, all I've been doing since school started is fucking school. I've taken no breaks to pleasure myself with phone calls to friends or trips to the gym. I've just been working. peck. peck. pecking away at my computer. I take smoke breaks, yes, to listen to my ipod. But everything else is dedicated to school. And that makes me feel zombie-esque, especially since most of what my school work centers on is only moderately challenging shit that takes hours to memorize. On the weekends, when I'm finally done, I just chase after freedom from school. I suck it down until I forget about all my obligations. And usually I drink until I'm shitfaced or lying in my underwear next to some snoring guy in some random bedroom on a street whose name I never know. This is not good. And it's obvious enough that I don't need to explain why. I mean, living life that way is fucked up and it will screw you over in the end. My liver will fail me. My mind will rot. And I might lose my hair. It sounds fun, and it is fun for a little bit, but after awhile... it just gets old, and the hangovers, get painfully familiar, and you just get tired of it all.

Anyway, this weekend I plan to change. I plan to better myself. I will only drink 'till I glow and get sloppy. I will not drink until I'm leaning over a toilet. I will not make out with strangers. And I will not make a fool of myself. And when Monday comes, I will relax. I will take everything in stride and I will not let myself get overwhelmed with the need to produce perfection. Like I said, I will relax. And I'll sleep peacefully. My life will be better... hopefully.

I'm starting to feel silly though with all these goals. I want so much to change. I want everything. And that scares me, because wanting to change everything means getting rid of all that I have. And I'm not sure whether I'm ready to get rid of the manic, pot smoking, writer/wreck of a freaky, and dark, and twisty girl. Weird, huh?

Sometimes I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore. I'm at an age where the things I make habits of will begin to deifne what type of adult I will be. So, I'm going crazy trying to figure out not only who I am, but what I want to be, and what I don't want to be.

Right now, I just want to be a strong, educated woman who I can be proud of. I don't know if this lady will smoke or not and I don't know if she'll run 5 miles a day and swim laps to stay healthy. I just know that she'll be proud of herself. This is all I'm sure of.

P.S. I ahve to write a short story about childhood for my creative writing class. I will post the whole thing on here soon, but for now, I'll leave you with a little clip that sort of captures what the story is about. But I will tell you ahead of time that it's about a little girl who's constantly picked on and eventually stands up for herself.

Alright clip goes as follows:

What world is this, I thought. Why is it that I can dream of such nice people, but they can’t exist? I was angry. No I was furious. No, better yet, I was ape shit insane. I screamed at them, as the straw broke my back. I had no restraint left in me. I suddenly felt free as I saw their laughs and smiles drop into frowns. I felt wild and savage like. And I could tell that I was scaring them. Good, I thought. You deserve to feel small and threatened, just like you make me feel.
But, no. Jeremy refused to fall down to my wrath. Instead, he kicked a part my nests, grabbed my book and ran away with the girls going full speed. I saw them mound their bikes and peddle out of the cul-de-sac, snickering nervously all the while.
I refused to accept the situation. So, I raced after them, running as fast as my legs could go. I was no longer Kim. I was no longer human. No. I felt like I was the combined spirits of every kid who had ever been picked on relentlessly by other children. I felt hungry for justice. And they were my food.

Sooo, what do you think? Too intense? Too lame? Let me know.


  1. I always think like that too. it's good to have moderation.

    as for the story, if its' from the viewpoint of a little girl, I can't imagine her saying "ape shit"...also, perhaps SHOW what she thinks as opposed to saying "I refused to accept the situation". show how she refuses to give up until she catches up to them...instead of saying it.
    can't wait to read the finished product.

  2. I like the story. I like it alot. :D :D :D

    Oh, I really don't understand your whole situation, but I'm very sure you will accomplish your goals, and you will become a very engaging adult.

  3. I love your snippet of your story. Since the girl in the story is you I know at that age you were saying "ape shit" lol.

    I can COMPLETELY relate to this post. I mean not the drinking and random hookups but just feeling like you want to change and have a whole new life but afraid to let go of who you are right now. I am feeling overwhelmed and busy as well. It is such a tangled web. In between all that know that I love you and we will survive everything together.

  4. you remind me of me when i was 19...

    i noticed you have "an unquiet mind" as one of your favorite books on your profile... great book. beautifully written.